Now she's taking on sisters. She has gathered anecdotes from more than 100 women in a witty and mature book that will be out Tuesday from Random House, You Were Always Mom's Favorite!.
Tannen chats about the book and her sisters, Naomi Tannen, who is older by eight years, and Mimi Tannen, who is older by 23 months.
Q: How do you describe your relationship with your sisters?
A: In the beginning of the book, you'll see I have a photograph. My oldest sister is standing behind with my parents, and she looks like another adult. That's kind of how it was growing up. The one two years older was like another part of me. Every memory of childhood involves her. The other one was more like a mother figure.
Q: Did you share a room with either sister?
A: I shared a room with the one nearly two years older. I'm fascinated by stories I heard from sisters who shared rooms. I came to think that sharing a room is very symbolic of the relationship. Your sister has access to your possessions. She can borrow them, steal, hide or break them.
At some point, my sister made a proposal that seemed logical. I was very young. She said, "How about if you don't step on my side of the room, and I won't step on your side?" So that seemed fair, and I agreed. I wasn't focusing on that the door was on her side. I became her prisoner. I felt she'd tricked me, which she often did, and it never occurred to me I could just walk out of the room.
Q: How did you get along with your older sister?
A: I tell a story about traveling with her to Europe when she was 25 and I was 17. I was feeling like she was taking over and making me feel invisible. And I was getting grouchier and grouchier and seething. And it made sense in a way because we were in countries where French and German were the native languages and she had taken French in high school and knew Yiddish.
So I insisted we go to Spain because I was fluent in Spanish, much much better than her French or German by a lot. We get off the train in Barcelona and she marches up to somebody and starts trying to make herself understood in French. I was so angry. If anger is what I felt before, then I have to find a new word for what I felt then. Rage? Fury?
Q: Did you talk about that with her?
A: No, in retrospect I should have, but when you are 17, that doesn't happen. I remember how I took revenge. A day or two later we had met a bunch of Spanish guys. I was chatting away with one of them, saying whatever I wanted because I was fluent in Spanish and she was trying to make herself understandable in French. She asked me for help in translating. I refused. I felt she didn't think my Spanish was any use in the train station, so she might just as well use her French now.
So I was terrible. She wasn't trying to diss me or anything. She was just doing what she was always expected to do: be the older sister. They're expected to perform like a mother-like role.
Q:When you get together with your sisters, do you still behave like the youngest?
A: Sometimes. I was with my two sisters at a big family group. We were preparing lunch. Naomi was making hamburgers, and Mimi was cutting cabbage for cole slaw. I was standing around because I didn't have one of these main tasks.
Mimi's husband, Bruce, came in and asked her to go for a walk. She kept cutting the cabbage. She wasn't agreeing because she thought she had to cut the cabbage. And all of a sudden it dawned on me that I don't have to be a passive observer and I said, "Well, why don't I cut the cabbage?" She dropped that knife so fast. They were out the door almost before my sentence was done. And I was much happier doing an important task rather than being the helper. Why did she think she had to do it when she had this adult standing next to her?
Q: So, who was your mom's favorite?
A: An argument could be made my oldest sister was the favorite of both (parents) because she got so much attention before we came along and they relied on her so much. But I think an argument could be made my middle sister was my mother's favorite and I was my father's favorite with my oldest sister being both their favorite.
Q: You say sisters need to spend time together without spouses and children. How else can we strengthen bonds with our sisters?
A: If you're absolutely convinced there is one way and your way is right, you are going to be frustrated. You have to accommodate each other. It is not up to you to decide how she should show her love.
Source: USA Today | By Janice Lloyd
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